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8-1-20: Today is my first online journal entry. When the year Began I was with friends, and hopefully 2020 goes out the same way.

10-1-20: On Sunday Is J's 18th birthday, but he took his own life last May. DD and I were going to go visit his grave and asked some of our older friends (now not the crowd I spend my time with), to come with us. Though, recently I found out my beautiful and kind friend who was very involved with J (going to various Hoco dances with each other, etc) Outed him as gay after he passed, and told someone she was his 'stand-in girlfriend'. This news distressed me, as I also learned his family hated her and her mother. These Friendships are too complicated for me. I'm never sure who to believe and which side to take. For now, I'll just let the events play out and hope for the best. -Love M

20-1-20: It's been a few too many days since I last updated my journal. This is mostly because I have been attempting to upgrade and organize my page a little more. To update on a previous entry: Everything went smoothly when DD and I visited J's grave. More people were there than expected and it kind of turned into a mini party in his honor. Though My friends and I started to clear out when everyone else started smoking, as we weren't too keen on the smell lingering on our clothes.

This week at school though was a lot. A lot of homework, stress and quizes to deal with. Thursday I went dress shopping for our winter school dance and it was underwhelming, though I found come potential contenders. Friday through Sunday I was on a retreat with my church. Now, if you met me you wouldn't suppose im religious, and people are suprised when they learn I am. It was supposed to be a special retreat where only high school seniors come (with various adults), and people who have gone on the retreat in the past are not suppposed to share about it. When I arrived with my things before we drove there my youth director told us that we were responsible for ourselves and would be cooking, cleaning, and doing everything on our own because we are adults. It was an interesting experience to say the least, though I think I'll make that a whole seperate entry, due to the fact that I have a lot to say about it.

23-1-20: The retreat: I honestly really like church retreats (well any retreat honestly, but most of the ones I go on are religious-affiliated). The point of the retreat was that we (we, being seniors) were responsible for ourselves. Meaning that we could do whatever we wanted (within reason of course), stay up as late as we wanted, and cook whatever we please. The house we stayed in was the biggest and nicest house thay had ever rented for a senior retreat so there was a lot of space to play games and talk with my friends. I ended up staying up until about 4 AM (which is very late for me) talking to me friends and my crush *wink*. I woke up and made beakfast for everyone at 7:45 and the rest of the day went pretty smootly until they started having a Quote: 'open converstaion'. Let me tell you: The amount of times I heard a grown adult say the words 'sex is great (when it is is consecrated by marriage)' blew my mind. I honstly think, based off of the bullshit that they told me on the retreat, that I don't care about religion and I-others included-should just do what they want, what's good for them, and whatever makes them happy. Of course they talked about abortion (for reference I am Pro-choice), and it was not something I felt like arguing about, as there were many of my school-mates there (I'm not friends with any of them and only a few have spoken to me but they know me from classes and i'd rather not have rumours circulating about that shit). Another part of the senior retreat is they surprise us with our parents coming and bringing food. The last conversation I had with my mom was an arguement, so for a majority of the time I was rather angry and distant with my parents. When I saw that my mom was getting upset with me, I snapped out of it and tried to act more like myself. In the end I had fun; I spent time with my friends, they guy that I like, and explored an abandoned mansion (kinda random, I know).

26-1-20: Today was our school's winter dance. I asked my best friend, DD, who goes to a private all boys school and had never gone to a public school dance before. He also had never meet my friends (and vice-versa). I ended up picking a red dress out of the 3 that I found, got ready at my friend's house, and my dad took pictures of our group at a spot in the woods. We went to dinner, which was fun. Then on to the dance. Now, I'm not sure what I was expection, but the dance was indeed utterly disappointing. The room was HUGE and so everyone was dancing by the DJ and they only took up (less than) 1/3rd of the room, so it was super awkward. We stayed until about 25 minutes before the dance ended and went to IHOP, who told us there would be an HOUR wait for 10 of us to get a table (bullshit). We moved on the Whataburger, then we went home. Not the worst night of my life, but I laughed a lot, which is what counts. 6 out of 10 stars.

31-1-20: Not much has happened since I last wrote. Had some frustrating times at work, neglected to do my French homework (again), failed a statikstics test, so ya know, the usual. My favourite musical artist, Mike Krol, finally released some merch (THANK GOD), though much of it sold out pretty quick. I ended up buying a small, and an extra-large in 2 different shirts. That's pretty much everything, but I felt like updating this, regardless.

19-2-2020: This past weekend, Friday through Monday (since I had Monday off), I low-key skipped work and went with two of my aunts and two of my cousins to New Orleans for some Mardi Gras parades. Now Mardi Gras is the 25th of February, but in new Orleans it's the entire month leading up to Fat Tuesday. Mardi Gras is easily my favourite holiday of them all. We ent to a parade as soon as arriving, ate amazing food, and weirdly went prom dress shopping on Magazine street(??). Now on Friday, which I skipped school, Was Valentines Day. At my school we have these singing-grams where you pay $4, pick a song, provide the name and class period of a person and the jazz choir goes to their class and sings to them. For my 4 years of high school I never bought or reciceved one, BUT this year I went all out and bought one for each one of my friends. None of them expected it and I was very pleased to get Texts that said 'I hate you' when I woke up.

6-3-2020: Today I got into my first car accident. It's the first day of my spring break and I was so excited. My last ever spring break of high school, and I was going to fly out to Visit a friend in Virginia that night. In all my 18 years and however many months of living, I can't rememeber being more scared than in that moment. I was on one of the busiest roads in my area (that I always try to avoid) with one of my best friends going to go see if I could find some waterguns and other various errands. I was trying to route my phone to take me home another way, but it wouldn't budge, so I just started driving in the direction I knew. I still had my phone routeing me but It wouldn't stop telling me to make a U turn. I tried to pick it up to see why it was telling me to turn somewhere I knew I couldn't when I saw the red light too late and hit someone turning in front of me. BOOM: the impact caused the airbags to go off and for the both of us to scream. My car kept going and ran into the median of the road, nearly hitting another car. I was so unsure what to do. I could barely see and think as I tried to put my car in park, still stuck on the median. Everything in my car was smoking, I turned to my friend and very drowsily told her that we needed to get out of the car because it was on fire (it wasn't). I couldn't open my door so my friend had to drag me out of her door. The rest of my memory is blurry because I started having a panic attack. The other driver was totally fine. His car actually got more messed-up from getting stuck on the median, but my car still had most of the damage. Police came, our parents came, I had trouble breathing yadah yadah yadah. I was the only one with any injuries (of which i'm not sure how I got), with some barely deep scratches, some weird swelling and some bruising. Yea it was one of the hardest days of my life. My parent's weren't mad, just happy we were ok. Though my car, Petunia (A 2005 Lincoln Towncar) was totaled. I then got on a plane to Virgina to see my friend and some other lovely places. Hopefully the rest of my break will be much smooth-er sailing!

20-3-2020: Hey, remember when I said that I 'hoped the rest of my break would be smooth-er sailing!' Yea...neither do I. Coronavirus is making everything crazy here in the US and I'm so confused? Like??? Not to be a selfish bitch but I'm pretty upset that my prom got cancelled (they said they'd try to find somewhere else to hold it later but let's be real it's not happening). To make matters worse, my prom dress came in the day after they cancelled...so that's a beautiful dress I won't get to wear! My school started out with giving us only one extra week of spring break but then extended it until April 3rd. Collegeboard changed our AP exams, which is freaking me out because I think they'll be harder. Worst of all, I can't even go somewhere and hang out with any of my friends. I was pretty excited for all the time off but now that I know my senior year will be ruined...I have to admit I'm pretty bummed out. I know I have to do my part and Socially distance myself (especially since my mother is a healthcare professional), but all of these changes are driving me crazy. Just once I wanted something to go well (I mean the rest of my senior Year). High school wasn't particularly great for me until this year, and now it's all getting taken away from me. (Again, I hate to sound this selfish, but I am allowed to be upset and if you were in the same situation you'd be too.) Social distancing has me eating sooooo often because i'm always near food, so unfortunately I've gained a significant amount of weight. I'm attempting not to spiral by thinking of all the time I now get to spend with my family and pets. Don't worry, It will get better with time and Patience.

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